Internal Bleeding and Mental Instability

"How's the book tour going!?"

“How’s the book tour going!?” That’s the question I’ve gotten most often the past two months. And truth be told, it’s been fun—kind of. I love an adventure. I truly do. Writing the book itself was an adventure. But the book tour? Well, that’s felt more like a wedding reception than an adventure. And don’t get me wrong—I LOVE a wedding reception… except for that one time when I was the bride. It’s just so much pressure. I can be a bit of a pleaser so as I sit signing the book, trying to make sure I don’t mispell fairly common names like Jill, my brain is constantly churning; Did everyone get a beverage? Am I talking enough? Am I talking too much? Am I coming across like I think I’m famous? Am I conveying enough gratitude? Humility? Kindndess? And the events where they are in attendance, I hope my children are not breaking anything.

For the most part, I’ve really enjoyed myself, but today I would like to share a completely inappropriate story (see: Trigger Warning) to help you understand just how much I am not cut out for the long-term book tour life. But! thank you for asking.

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To say I was stressed—between managing my office, managing the shop, the book tour, and my kids getting out of school all at once—would be a huge understatement. When I get this stressed, I usually get a knot in my upper back and sometimes stomach pains. A couple of weeks ago, I wasn’t feeling great and I stopped to use the bathroom on my way to bed. When I looked in the toilet as I stood up, I saw blood. I immediately thought, “Hemorrhoid.” I’ve never had a hemorrhoid to my knowledge, but I had a friend describe one to me on the phone a couple of months ago. My friend had an internal hemorrhoid that had ruptured—and I had all of the same symptoms. My first thought was, This is it! Here we go, my body is failing.